Miscarriage is not just about Moms. It’s also about the whole family. We sometimes disregard our husband’s feelings about the loss of our baby and as much as we can we hide our emotions to our kids because we don’t want them to be traumatized. This time, instead of just looking at my own feelings and how devastated I was for losing the baby, I’ll be talking about the effects of my miscarriage on my family.
As I am still in the grieving process and my hormones are slowly going down, my emotions change dramatically at any time of the day. I could be very sweet and patient Mom at this hour and I’ll be a ferocious Mom the next, especially that I have a terrible three who is constantly asking me for things (“I want water”, “Where’s my (thing)?”, “Do you want to play with me?”), and things like that, I can’t quietly grieve and regain my complete sanity. I need to be alone for a little while and allow myself to cry, pray and talk heart to heart with my angel (2) who just flew to heaven on April 20, 2018.
Some mothers want to isolate themselves and felt they could not face going out or see someone, knowing myself and considering my anxiety, I could be one of them. But blogging my heart out eased the pain a bit and with all my family and friends’ support and prayers, I know I can face the world. I’m not saying that other women are doing it wrong. There’s no right or wrong in dealing with miscarriage. There are no “should” and “shouldn’t” in this. There is no “right” way to feel.
Emotions of the Fathers are often neglected. Let’s not forget that Fathers grieve differently from Mothers. Like many other men, my husband took the role of a protector of the family and supporting me while I painfully grieve. He’s prioritizing our kids and my conditions first and he’s usually the strong Father who looks after us during this time of agony. He’s not given a time for his own grief, and that’s not fair as it sounds.
My husband’s warmth and concern for me is enough to know that I’m not alone in this. When he held my hands and hugged me, I know he feels sorry too. I’m blessed to have my husband in my life as not all men do this kind of things. Usually, couples part their ways when they experience hardships in their relationship. I’m grateful that it’s not like that in this marriage I’m into.
We had an emotional talk one night and cried about the loss of our precious little jellybean. We remembered how our scan went the week before my miscarriage and we both agreed that our baby should be alive until now. He even blamed himself about the miscarriage. He thinks that maybe the baby sacrificed himself so he could pass his driving test. I assured him that it’s nothing like that. My miscarriage and his driving test just happened coincidentally on the same day, and that’s that.
We always thought that kids are just kids. They’re too young to understand what’s happening to us. I think we’re wrong. Kids have feelings too and they’re susceptible to any information or emotions they encounter. I have been transparent to my children. Unlike any other Moms, I never pretend I was okay if I wasn’t. I don’t want my kids to misinterpret their Mom and get the wrong perception of me. Moms are just ordinary people, we’re not superheroes! We don’t have powers and we’re vulnerable too. We don’t have shields to protect us from being hurt. What I mean to say is, I show my kids how I feel, I never hide my emotions from them as I believe they’re a part of my family, therefore, they have the right to know what’s happening.
Often times, we let our kids participate in decision-making and we inform them of family matters. We told them that I lost the baby, I cried in front of them and they know how hurt I am. They cried harder and wish the baby was alive.
K2 was the one who had a heart to heart talk with me, cried a lot in front of me and wondered why the baby’s gone. She asked a lot of questions. She imagined things that could have happened. She thought positively and came up with good solutions. I calmed her down as I explained gently to her about miscarriage in a manner that she would comprehend. In the end, I told her to stop thinking about it already as it made us both cry and if we keep remembering, we’ll never stop crying. So we diverted each other’s attention and carry on with what we’re doing.
My kids prayed hard, they looked after each other as I heal myself from miscarriage. If it’s difficult for me, it’s hard for them too. The best part of it though is we heal together. We talked about it as a family. We understand each other’s emotions and behaviours. We know what to do and how to react to each other. There is balance in this family. If I’m weak… they’re strong!
Of course, my parents were the ones who worried so much about me. My Mom video chats me while I was bleeding on the afternoon of April 20, 2018. I thought I was fine but when I heard her voice, I just want to be a child again and lie my head on her lap and just tell her everything I felt at that time but I can’t… I wasn’t able to talk as I was crying the whole time. I want to tell her how I wanted to keep the baby and how I’m sad about losing him. I felt my Mom’s nervousness through the phone. If only she’s here beside me, she would do something to ease up my pain. She would do anything to save the baby, no matter what it takes. She wasn’t beside me physically but I felt her presence and she’s in my heart all this time. She checked on me every day. She always asked me if I’m okay. She prayed for the baby and me. A mother’s prayer is the most powerful one and I believe that. I missed my Mom a lot, especially at this time. Nothing compares to a Mother’s Love, I think everyone will agree on that.
My sisters were so worried about my loss and my sanity. They know I have the tendency to be depressed and that’s what they’re worried about. They know how hard it is to have lost a baby from miscarriage. My sister Lai had miscarried before and lost a 2-year-old son too. She has 5 live children, 1 passed away from Meningitis, and 1 miscarriage. My other sister Mimi had 2 sons, luckily she hadn’t had any miscarriages. I had 2 miscarriages and 3 live children.
They know me so well that they had to call or text me every day to check on me. I told them I’m okay, even if I’m hurting. It will never get easy but I could teach myself to live after a miscarriage. I know that I have them to help me overcome this grief. I miss my sisters! I miss laughing with them.
Friends and Relatives
Friends and relatives’ messages had given me a wee light in the darkest hour. They’re the ones who encouraged me that I can do this, that I’m strong, and that God has a better plan for me. Some of them related their own miscarriage stories and how they coped with it. Some of them haven’t had an experienced miscarriage but can relate to my pain as a Mom. They showed sympathy and concern to me. I received sincere messages from those people who really care. I thank them for all the “sorry” messages they sent me. It truly made me feel a bit better.
But at the end of the day, it was just me, and the fact that I lost my baby. The physical pain can be treated but the emotional pain remains. Nobody can heal me but myself. I am the only one who could define my own wellbeing. Am I coping really well? Did I grieve enough? What are my next plans after this? Will I ever heal? Am I ready to have another baby?
Please let me be sorrowful for one second and remember the pain of the loss. Allow me to heal naturally and learn how to accept the misery of baby loss.
God, please give me the strength to face this trial, enlighten my path with your light of wisdom and clothe me with acceptance and hope! Amen.