I’m not entirely sure how to begin this post but I’ll try my best, please bear with me as it takes buckets of tears to retell my story of the day I lost my baby.
If you’ve been following me and reading my blog for quite some time, you’re completely aware that I had my pregnancy announcement just a few days ago. If you have time to spare, please visit my post: When I Found Out I was Pregnant Again and to refresh you with what’s happening currently to my baby and me, please read my other posts: So Many Antenatal Appointments… Too Tired of It! and Spotting in Early Pregnancy.
I guess if you have read those posts mentioned above, you’ll thoroughly understand what this post is going to be about. 2 days right after I announced to the public that I’m 7 weeks pregnant, I sorrowfully had a miscarriage. April 20, 2018 when I lost my baby! I tried to deny it for a few days, but I came to my senses and told myself that I have to write about this saddest experience of mine. Every mom in the world needs to know what I had experienced, what was I thinking, and how I felt about slowly losing my baby. As I believe that it somehow eases Moms overthinking of things especially when they’re in doubt and in state of confusion. I know this as I was anxious and in denial in the past days, I still am, but at least my sanity came back and slowly accepted the fact that the baby has left my womb and came up to heaven for the reason I don’t know, but I trust the Lord that it’s for the best for all of us, especially for the baby and me.
Reading blogs, articles and forums from other moms who had experienced the same symptoms and felt the same emotions made me feel that I’m not alone. It made me realize that it can happen to anyone. It gave me hope and strength to believe that I should not worry until I get confirmation from the doctors. They’re encouragement and their strength as Moms taught me that I should do the same. There are Moms who believe they’re baby is fine and they became alright at the end, but there are also stories that will tell you that that bad thing that you don’t want to imagine could happen too. So, I decided to relate my story to all of you in the hopes of calming down other moms’ overthinking or perhaps be an inspiration to other struggling moms.
At half past 5 in the morning, I went to the toilet and suddenly regretted to have gone because I just had vaginal bleeding. I tried to ignore and stayed positive that this bleeding is just as normal as what other pregnant women experienced, nothing serious. I came back to bed and thought of nothing. I tried to forget what happened in the bathroom. I repeatedly told myself that I was fine. My baby was okay.
My bleeding got worst and I had cramps on my abdomen too! Bleeding with cramps? Yes, I thought so. Bleeding and cramps are not a good combination! I know right there and then that this is going bad! I lied down on bed, put my hip a bit higher and kept my legs up. I was praying intensely, crying helplessly and talking to my baby gently. I told him to hold on tight, I told him to be strong. I told him that Mama’s right here for him and I will fight for him no matter what. I stroked my tummy over and over while I was telling him how I love him! I took a video of me talking to my little bun to remind me of this day. I know it’s going to be heart breaking to watch it but I just want to keep a memory of my baby and me together because I know that’s all I can have at that moment.
At half past 2pm, my little chance of hope had diminished. A big blood clot came out of me and I was in total shocked. I paused for a moment and screamed. My kids were worried, asking me if I’m okay. I cried helplessly!!! I don’t know what to do!!! My baby is in the toilet!!! My heart crushed into bits! I stopped breathing and I cried even more! I can’t believe what had happened and I don’t know what to do with the clots I collected. Should I keep it? Should I flush it? I can’t imagine flushing my baby in the toilet! The thought of it is just horrifying. I called out to God, please, please help me!
I washed myself up and came out of the toilet, my children hugged me and cried out even more! My children asked me, “What is it Mom?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”
I lost the baby…
I cried weakly…
My kids started to cry as we were bundled around my tummy. My husband came home that very moment and as soon as he knew, he hugged me tightly and cried with me.
Our baby is gone… I uttered.
The truth is no matter how I deny that nothing serious happened, I can’t alter anything. I can’t bring my baby back to life! I can’t escape and withdraw from reality. Even if I sleep it through, nothing will ever change the fact that my baby is dead.
Dear Baby K,
The moment I learned that I have you on board, I’m grateful to the Lord! He gave me another chance to be a Mom again. It surprised me that I have another opportunity to bear a beautiful child inside me and to rear you to be a kind and God-fearing individual. We were so excited!
I never get to see you. I never get to touch you in my hands but you’re someone I know that I love so dearly as soon as I had you here inside me!
I will always remember the first time I saw you in your scan. You look like a tiny jelly bean inside Mama’s tum tum. I skipped when I saw you fluttered! I was in awe when I saw your heartbeat and I felt it too! I felt you! We will be forever connected to each other, my love! I will never forget you!
I was never ready for you to leave but I know I have to let you go!
Mom will always remember you! You’ll always be in my heart!
I love you my baby! I love you forever!