I wasn’t able to sleep last night because of the horror that little brown spot gave me. That little stain on the tissue I used frightened me the whole night. I can only think of two things; One, this is just normal. Most pregnant women experienced spotting during the first trimester. Two, this is an emerging miscarriage. I have to think positive and ignore the negative thoughts. Many times I’ve been told that the mind is more powerful than anything. Whatever your mind is thinking, it will happen. I surely thought what I wanted to think, but it didn’t seem right. My heart told me something is wrong.
I searched and read relevant blogs, articles and forums and it all sounds good to me. Many women have experienced spotting at the very early stage of their pregnancy and that made me feel a little bit confident that I’m fine and that my baby is doing okay.
Spotting is very common to pregnant women during the first 12 weeks of their pregnancy. It is said to be normal to experience spotting because of the following reasons:
1. Implantation Bleeding. It can occur when the fertilized egg attaches to the uterine lining. This may trigger light bleeding or spotting for a few days.
2. Cervical changes. Extra blood flows to the cervix can occur during pregnancy. Intercourse or a Pap test can also cause bleeding as it’s in contact with the cervix but this bleeding is not much of a concern.
3. Infection. Any infection of the cervix, vagina, or a sexually transmitted infection such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, or herpes can cause bleeding in early pregnancy.
4. Ectopic pregnancy. The fertilized embryo implants outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian tube. The fallopian tube will burst if the embryo keeps growing. It can be life-threatening to the mother.
5. Miscarriage. It is most common during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. It tends to be one of the biggest concerns with the first 12 week bleeding. However, first trimester bleeding does not necessarily mean that you’ve lost the baby or going to miscarry.
The next day, April 19, 2018, at half past 12 in the afternoon, I got even more scared as the brown spot turned into bright red and there’s a blood clot that went with it too. My heart stopped beating for a while. I shut my eyes real tight, asking myself did it really happened or was it just a dream… a bad dream. I prayed to God and said, Please God! No! I kept the tissue that I used to wipe myself for reference. I immediately called my midwife and told her how worried I was. For now, she told me, all you can do is rest. Okay, I can do that! And so I did!
I put myself to the couch very slowly, wrapped my shaking body with a very warm blanket, and my mind turned blank. There were flashbacks of the day I lost my first unborn child, Francis Cole in 2002. I hate to think about negative thoughts right now but I definitely can’t fool myself… I know something bad is happening!
Effie cancelled my appointment with her at 4pm. She said to met her next Thursday instead.
A light of hope had come when I had no spots for 3 hours. I thank God for that wee peep of hope that everything’s going to be fine. My baby is going to be okay. I kept thinking this spotting will go away soon. This is normal for most women, so what’s the difference about this spotting I’m experiencing? I’m one of the those women who had spots during the first trimester, and that’s that!
But then that tiny window of hope gradually disappeared when I discovered more and more spots were coming out of me. Those red blood spots made me cry even more! Is this still normal? Is my baby still okay? Should I be concerned? Can I freak out now? Should I cry louder? Who am I going to call for help? All I can do for now is pray and trust the Lord that He’ll never do anything to harm me and the baby. God’s plan is the best plan and I believe that!
I wasn’t feeling any pain or cramps? Wasn’t I? Or was I in denial thinking I never felt any pain? No, I’m quite sure I never complained of any stab or cramps around my abdomen. That gave me a sunshine to my darkest thoughts. Maybe this is just implantation bleeding. My body is adjusting to a growing baby inside me. I should not worry about anything. It’s normal and I want to believe in that hope and deny any negative thoughts.
But even in denial, even with positive thoughts, even with a little bit of hope, even if I believe that this is just normal, my heart told me something is not right.
More spots and more blood that night.
I am half agony. Half hope.